Reflections on love, family & forgiveness
"It is the grass that suffers when two elephants fight" - African proverb
Hello, it’s me. I’d like to ask you in the name of love to hear me out with an open mind.
I acknowledge the relationship you and ‘x’ built and the beautiful kids borne from it. I will honour and celebrate that all life long.
Having been an observer for over a year now, I have watched ‘x’ have his kids slip away from him and any outsider will notice this story from his social media posts where it has gone from 3 happy kids faces to 1 and I fear one day it might be none.
I also acknowledge the ‘unseen’, the experience you are living, having to adjust to a very different world you signed up for.
I am sorry that you and ‘x’ are having to experience this painful contrast.
I can’t help but feel pain and sorrow for the kids who appear to be the grass trampled by two elephants fighting.
Or the mum/dad who is in so much pain, reeling from the loss of identify and a marriage. As they nurse their pain, they pick up their machine gun aiming to kill the ‘villain’ and unbeknownst to them bullet fractures hit the kids.
A bit graphic and raw? I know....but sadly it’s the perfect depiction of what happens when a couple refuse to dig deep and heal their wounds in isolation of tainting the children’s view of the ‘other’ parent.
I know this all too well. My dad apparently had wronged my mum and here she was looking after 6 kids crammed in a 2bed flat while she worked 3 jobs to make ends meet and he appeared to be living the life of Riley. We saw her pain and so we carried her pain.
I only got to figure out my dad’s pain when I saw his lifeless body in the morgue. More than anything, he wanted love and companionship and was pretty much willing to do anything to get it, that was his crime. His capacity to love was limitless but most of us kids cut that off the minute we bore our mother’s suffering.
I don’t believe either of them were wrong or right, did they hurt each other? I’m sure they did.
As an adult now with two kids and two different dads (I didn’t get the memo it would work with one for ever🤷🏾♀️). It HAS to be my duty to ensure that despite the seeming unfairness of my kids living with me 100%, it is part of my role to ensure they can have a healthy relationship with their dad’s, irrespective of what I believe they may have done or not done in our time together. My priority has to be me facilitating access to the ‘other’ parent whom I co-created with in love, to be part of their make up and story.
For I alone cannot raise my kids, it takes a village and starts with the parents, in or out of marriage.
This is not a conclusive letter but one that I have considered for a year and now must get out.
The children are the product of love, keep it that way during your healing. You are setting them up to create balanced relationships that do not hold the weight of adults who are still trying to figure their shit out.
Love & Light
Create Your Own Memo - Healthy(ish) Co-Parenting